With March Madness all-too-far behind us, baseball barely limping ahead, the NBA and NHL playoffs only just beginning to plod, endlessly, through our living rooms, and college football a distant red asterisk in our day planners, sports-loving GonzoMongers are running on fumes right now. Pay-per-view porn and Beretta reruns are feasting on a ratings banquet in this the nadir of the sports year. Of course, the truly resourceful (such as I) have found an outlet. Being true die-hards, we drew the blinds and parked ourselves deep in the recesses of the La-Z-Boy to pore over last weekend’s NFL College Draft.
My name is Scott Hodgins, and I am a loser. I say that, red-faced, because this weekend I did indeed watch the daytime nailbiter known as The NFL College Draft. The Draft, as you know, is where pro football teams hold their breath and lay out millions of dollars in hope that the wholly unproven college player they have chosen following hundreds of hours of analysis will, after being converted into a pro-style player, perform as promised. Strike a chord with any of you bankers who have ever taxed your globes through a core processing system selection? Well, appropriate metaphors be damned, loyal readers – we’re going to do this. Hold on to your helmet, it’s time for GonzoBanker’s:
|
Category |
Core Selection |
NFL Draft |
Edge |
|
The Promise |
Skate through a seamless conversion to the land of feature functionality bliss, solve all of your technology shortcomings and, CIOs, earn the eternal respect and admiration of your coworkers. |
Watch your team fill all of its offensive, defensive and special teams’ holes with six or seven college drop-outs barely over their high school graduation hangover. |
NFL Draft: |
|
The Reality |
By the grace of the deity of your choice, stumble through conversion and immediately volunteer to chair your bank’s Functionality Enhancement Request Committee. |
6’6", 280 pounds of beer gut and lost motivation after the $15 million signing bonus. |
Core Selection: |
|
The Post-Selection Dirty Little Secret |
Vendor: "Oh, so you DO want to balance at the end of EVERY day? In that case you’ll need our $130,000 Balancer 5.0 module." |
During sophomore year, first round draft choice arrested for Ecstasy possession before his encore performance at the local female impersonation cabaret. |
NFL Draft: |
|
Most Entertaining Moment |
Sales rep tap-dancing when asked for a data warehouse success story. |
When the first player drafted asserts, "It’s not about the money. I’m just looking for a chance to prove myself on the next level." |
Core Selection: |
|
The Screw-Up |
Believing that conversion management is best left to the vendor… |
Two Words: Multi-million dollar signing bonus to Brian Bosworth |
NFL Draft: |
|
The Chosen’s Gleeful Soliloquy |
"We at XYZ Vendor view this partnership with ABC Bank as a chance to develop a win-win juggernaut that can leverage the strengths and talents of both organizations." |
"Uh, I’m real happy to be with such a, uh, good team. The Colts, I mean, uh, the Browns have a great coaching staff and I’m sure I can learn a lot from them." |
Core Selection: |
|
What They Really Meant |
"Yes! That’s $15 million over five years!!! Someone change the customer service phone number ASAP!! Mai Tai’s on me tonight!" |
"Just gimme my $15 million and get out of my face, pencil neck. Who you lookin’ at? And where’s my limo?" |
NFL Draft: |
|
Outside Experts |
Omniscient consultants |
Mel Kiper, Jr. |
NFL Draft: |
To my shock and dismay, it’s the NFL Draft by the width of a paternity complaint.
As a large-headed friend of mine used to say, we’re…
Out there where the buses don’t run.
–smh