It’s mid-summer, and the recent college grads have finally returned from their 15-day liver-blast in Amsterdam. Time to remove the (visible) tattoos and start the gig at the bank. You know, the Management Trainee Program. Nine months spent in a rotation of departments across the bank, and poof – you’re a freakin’ banker!
GonzoBanker, as you well know, is here to lay heaps of wisdom upon our adoring fans. This installment will serve as Gonzo’s advice column to the rookies, rubes, young’uns and otherwise babes in the financial woods. Consider it a Gonzo Heads-Up for what the greenhorns have in store.
Reader’s Note: This is a 100% rip-off of Dr. Seuss’s Oh, the Places You’ll Go! Blatant thievery of the other Good Doctor’s work. Surely you’ve read it – the book given to nearly every college grad by teary-eyed mommies and daddies who are maybe just a little too proud of themselves for seeing the deeper meaning of this, Dr. Seuss’s most adult of books. (Seuss’s Thidwick the Big-Hearted Moose is much better, but the rhyming schemes weren’t complex enough for our heady readers.)
My apologies to Dr. Seuss, Random House Publishing and all related distributors and suppliers for the butchering that is about to transpire.
So you’re leaving The U
To go earn some real bread.
Remove the lip piercing.
Get the hell out of bed.
Now shear off the dreads,
And your lifestyle clean up.
‘Cause soon will The Man
Make you whiz in a cup.
Credit’s the place
The sharper grads go.
Making a science,
Of crunching cash flow.
A wiz with a spreadsheet,
A numbers machine.
Helping lenders to keep
Their past due lists clean.
Track doc exceptions
And pray to Cornholio.
And soon you’ll inherit
A commercial portfolio.
(Are you threatening me?)
With some guile and some skill
You’ll be a wise lender.
Or get thrown down to Ops
And go on a bender.
OH! The bankers you’ll know!
A stint in the branches –
A fine place for you fellers.
You can open accounts
And hit on the tellers.
Chill out in the drive-through,
And take a deposit.
You’re out seven hundred
But YOU didn’t cause it!
Your next stop will be
In deposit ops.
Dramatic? Pragmatic!
The bank’s traffic cops.
In Ops you will learn
To fix the mistakes
Of tellers and lenders
And honchos and flakes.
But don’t even think about
Looking for thanks.
Ops folks are the Unsung
Heroes of banks.
Oh, indeed, the bankers you’ll know!
As a Treasury trader,
buy Z-tranched securities.
As long as the yield’s high,
Be damned the maturities!
The pros in Financial
Play golf with their caddies.
They get the round paid by
Cash-hungry bond daddies.
Oh, sweet mama, the bankers you’ll know!!
Next stop is Accounting,
With green lamps and pinstripes.
Reconciling transactions,
These bean-counting types.
Treat CPAs well
Though budgets they’re slicing.
‘Cause these guys control
The funds transfer pricing.
Funds transfer pricing –
The sweet science, they say.
It shapes your paycheck
In a magical way.
They input your numbers
In a shiny, black box.
If the bottom line’s red,
They’ll be changing your locks.
Can I get a witness to the banker’s you’ll know?
During this time
You won’t be immune
To the harsh eye of Audit,
You newbie buffoon!
They’ll read through your ledger,
Check every transaction.
And in monthly reports,
Note every infraction.
But don’t fret their findings.
Let them take not a toll.
For who gives a rat’s
About dual control??!!
Then, just when you think you’re home free…
The Feds will examine
Your bank every year.
Like unwanted house guests
Drinking your beer.
They’ll check the allowance
For bad loans and leases.
And if it ain’t beefy
They’ll tear you to pieces.
Oh, in the name of all that is good and right, the bankers you’ll know!!
Last stop is IT,
The land of all guys.
Most women won’t wear
Those shiny brown ties.
You’ll love all the action –
Help out with the network.
It’s tougher to master
Than Hendrix’s fretwork.
Make friends with the techies,
This much I will warn,
Or they’ll update your boss
‘bout that Internet porn…
Oh, oh, oh, and OH the bankers you’ll know!
Treat you mentors like gold –
Or a jewel from the sea.
‘Cause the bankers you’ll know
Shape the banker you’ll be.
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I’m going to take a cry break now.
-smh