When the mercury tops 110 for the first time each summer in the Valley of the Sun, it can only mean one thing – time for some verse, baby. Today, we pay tribute to the brothers and sisters in operations.
Here’s to bank folks who toil down in ops
Where the broken gets fixed and the work never stops
And the reason you don’t have a minute to rest?
Because whatever the bank eats, you have to digest
Now, your peers aren’t quite sure how to make sense of you
They’re clueless about what it is that you do
So let’s give them a tour of a typical day
in the maelstrom – then see what they all have to say…
First the CEO’s assistant calls up on the line
The chief plans to drop in – not a good sign
He never comes down to the dungeon to visit
Unless there is bad news or more work – so which is it?
Well, he smiles and he laughs and talks sweetly to you
Then informs you he’s bought not just one bank, but two!
And he casually inquires, as he strolls through your maze
Can you finish the conversions in 45 days?
No one has ever done this before, it is true
But you have to see matters from his point of view
He promised shareholders, to get their OK
That the deal would boost profits the very first day
The regulators just came on site, by the way
And they have a “small” list to get through today
OFAC, privacy, CRA, truth in lending
Large currency, security – the list’s never-ending
And while the regulatory root canal is being dispensed
The head of sales shows up. She’s incensed!
Her sales culture plan’s making millions of bucks
But your system for tracking the sales really sucks
So get it in gear and make the branch system
Record all the sales and then total and list them
In a report that will help the board understand
That results will be even better than planned
But wait! The CFO says all that he sees
Are concessions on rate and waiving damn fees
And while getting concessions reduced is your task
He’ll be happy to monitor your results (if you ask)
The loan guys say loan exceptions are high
But they all did their part, so they can’t fathom why
The system can’t handle the new loans they made
You’ll have to service them manually, they’re afraid
And hey, while you’re at it, the docs need revisions
They don’t work with the system that automates decisions
that was purchased last week. It’s a shame you didn’t know –
They need your installation plan in the next day or so
Then come the consultants in their suits power blue
They survey, assess, and interrogate you
After which they go analyze, benchmark, and measure
And write lengthy prose-filled reports: “With our pleasure”
They return with their findings (shown in fine color graphs)
That explain in great detail, while you stifle your laughs
That your staff is too high by 10 people or so
And yes, there are projects, but they still have to go
Tellers need training, because fraud’s on the rise
And outages need research – is this any surprise?
Cards need reissuing, wires need sending
Call center needs access to the systems in lending
And the system is down for six hours (so they say)
Not one single statement was produced yesterday
Though the phone calls abound, the staff’s getting sour
Because Wal-Mart is paying a buck more an hour
Now your uninitiated peers walking into this mess
Scream “Crisis!” and develop a mamu case of stress
Shaking their heads, they sit down and wonder
How the bank could ever avoid going under
But you smile to yourself and ignore all the rant
Because you can see things in a way that they can’t
This ain’t no crisis, dude. They might see it some day
That this is just what happens by lunch time Monday
Well, your genes must be flawed or your head out of whack
Because you like all of this stuff, and you keep coming back
Let’s hope the bigwigs appreciate you
For if a bank’s made of sticks, you’re for damn sure the glue
-tr