A Network Administrator’s Lament
by Edward J. Andrew
Here’s the scenario. I’m hanging around on a Friday night, in the data center, playing games with the air cooling floor vent and my pants leg waiting for my 2003 server to finish rebooting for the umpteenth time.
Catatonic Counting Crows blowing through my iPod, “It’s raining in Baltimore, fifty miles east… … … ….”
As the final services load and I blue screen again, the images of Darth Vader, Lord Voldemort and Sauron appear side by side telling me my network has been compromised.
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In despair, I quickly Blackberry my compadres at GonzoBanker inquiring about a position on their tech assessment team. Nothing happening, but they did encourage me to document my saga for a future Gonzo article. They wouldn’t commit to a date so I decided to take matters into my own hands and infiltrate their mail and Web servers while I still had access to technology. If those chumps can’t find their hole, look for another post soon.
Oh to yearn for times of old
Criminal lure enticed by gold
No longer cash must we defend
Now the network is the trend
Electronic mail such the boon
Its time arrived none to soon
Heralded by all far and wide
Even Nigeria is on its side
Help moving money is the plea
Rewarded through a generous fee
I sent the balance certified check
They’ll wire the rest, you can bet
Money fraud not the only crime
Personal products get their time
Enhancers and implants in a daily dose
Not quite sure which I need most
Greed and vanity prove not enough
Outright fear that I’ll be snuffed
Name discovered on a list of hits
Pay up now or rest minus six
Extortion bad, phishing worse
Allowed the crooks inside my purse
Account expiring, reply quick
Sent ID and password. Made me sick.
Pharming confused with something rural
HTTPS does not mean plural
Unwise believing the Padlock icon
Relates somehow to Caps lock on
It’s my fault on most of these
Others though don’t aim to please
TJMAXX and all the rest
Put my patience to the test
On Triple DES spent all this money
Benefits of which still seem funny
With no encryption on card data
I think the solution is still in beta
When g-man grows it has attention
Cybercops worthwhile to mention
FinCen, OFAC, and IC3
Doing their job burdens me
Multifactor authentication
International space station
Blades and SANs and VMWare
Freaking deer in a headlight stare
Merit increase noticed barely
Performance appraisal hit me squarely
Never mention hours endured
Rebuilding laptops from coffee poured
Intruders hacking, up all night
Is there no end to this fight
Denial of service, IP spoofing
Should have taken that job in roofing
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Behind the horn-rimmed glasses and pocket protector, Edward J. Andrew is really Michael Croal, GonzoBanker and senior director at Cornerstone Advisors, Gonzo’s alter ego. Michael prefers to go disguised in tights and a red cape, but it really didn’t fit with this week’s prose.
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