Yep, it’s that time of year again, GonzoBankers – not just the usual summer doldrums anchored with another boring MLB All-Star game, but also the beginning of an action-packed season of strategic planning retreats! Time to round up your bank’s brightest minds and most tenured souls (not mutually exclusive, of course) and figure out what the hell you’re going to do next year – or for the next five years if you’re really into hard core Strategery.
Time to book your room at the resort… August 25th, I think the CEO said. But… wait. August 25th? That’s the semiannual NASCAR stop at Bristol. How’s a guy to make a decision like that – help with that vision thang or blow out the pipes with your buddies at Bristol?
There’s only one way to decide objectively – with GonzoBanker’s fifth installment of Tale of the Tape – Strategic Planning vs. NASCAR… …
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 NASCAR |
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| The Venue |
High caliber resort with a kick-ass golf course. |
RV colony in the mammoth raceway parking lot. |
NASCAR – I dig the resorts and all, but you haven’t lived until you’ve partied in a dusty parking lot for three days with 150,000 of your closest amigos. |
| Apparel |
Sweater vest with logo from the last golf resort you pretended to be good enough to play. |
2 words: |
NASCAR – If you disagree, please navigate to www. americanbanker. com |
| Footware |
Tasteful loafers. |
2 words: |
NASCAR – If you’re not flashing some toe knuckle hair, you’re not trying! |
| Cuisine |
Ribeyes and roasted potatoes. |
Corn dogs, funnel cakes, gator on a stick (Daytona only). |
Strategic Planning – I’ll give the bankers one here, but can we please lose the shitake mushrooms and horseradish demi-glaze? |
| 85% Chance that the Person Next to You… | … has no freakin’ idea what to do about ING either. | … was at one time a roadie for The Outlaws, Marshall Tucker Band or Atlanta Rhythm Section. | NASCAR – WAY better stories from the roadies, and they always know strippers. |
| Debates | Is our overdraft protection plan an Opportunity or a Threat? | How effective is tri-flow technology in preventing poor idle quality and the loss of bottom end torque when performance camshafts are utiized? | Strategic Planning – The gear heads are WAY over my head. I literally had to call Hertz the other day to ask where the gas tank cover release was on my Taurus. No lie. |
| Happy Hour | Officially – 7 ’til 9Unofficially – The rowdies continue until maybe even 10:30 at the Marriott Rumours Lounge | Just three per day – morning, noon and night. | NASCAR – C’mon now.
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| Entertainment |
Captain and Tennille cover band. |
Wannabe or semi-has-been talent willing to play for 45 minutes in the parking lot in the dead heat of summer: Trapt, Dixie Dregs, Creed’s singer Scott Stapp… | PUSH – Gotta love The Captain’s ‘stache, but love didn’t keep them together. |
| Smirk-Inducing Moment | 3 Mai Tais later, the SVP of HR takes to the dance floor to shake what her momma gave her to Warrant’s “Cherry Pie.” | Decidedly Republican crowd watching their heroes slant left for four hours. | Strategic Planning – Funnier than cowboys crowding the C&W bar dance floor when the DJ busts out AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long.”
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| Most Frustrating Moment | Listening to Compliance try to sell why we need to invest even more time and money to improve our OCC rating from a perfectly respectable 2 to a 1. | Listening to that dude explain the Nextel Cup point system to his near-deaf mother-in-law, nonstop during laps 35 through 150.
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NASCAR – I still don’t know what a 1 buys you. |
| Most Popular Bumper Stickers | “Strategic Planners Only Do It if the Monte Carlo Model Says To””What Happens During SWOT Stays at SWOT!” | “NASCAR Fans Do It with 5-Point Restraint Harnesses””IRL Sucks!”
“Larry the Cable Guy 2008 – Git ‘r Done!” |
NASCAR – Any Larry the Cable Guy reference is a winner in my book.
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| Pretty Boy Fans Love to Hate |
Ben Bernanke |
Jeff Gordon |
Strategic Planning – Let’s give Ben props; not just anyone can step in seamlessly for Alan “Dream Boat” Greenspan.
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| Celebration at the End |
Champagne spritzers and handshakes for all – maybe even a “knucks” from the hip Marketing guy who used to have a ponytail. |
Doughnuts on the front stretch. |
NASCAR – Mmmm… smell the creamy white smell of victory! |
Yes, GonzoBankers, keeping it light as you nurse yourself back from July 4th overdoings. I feel a sudden illness befalling my most hardcore GonzoBrethren. Cover the mouthpiece with an “Intimidator” bandana, pinch your nose and call in sick. It’s NASCAR by the width of a skid mark. If you really are thinking long term, it’s the clear choice.
To my friends in Kingsport, Tennessee… save me a stool in the Crown Royal suite! See you in Bristol!
Many thanks to Darrell Dinsmore for the great pic at the start of this article.
–smh
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